Trust, a word that is quite appealing to my mind yet so complex. It is such a complicated thing for me to think because I have a problem about to trust and to be trusted.
The first point is a difficulty to gain trust whenever I asked or forced to believe people. I'm a sceptical person if it comes to a matter of believe. It is not easy for me to believe someone, even I have my doubts to my family (Astaghfirulllah). Probably this because I was a type of person who can easily believe people. I was thought positive to all people in the past. However, things were changed because there were some accident I suffered (I will write this later since it can make this story longer). And now, I have a problem with my "best" friend because of the trust.
Secondly, I have a trouble with the "to-be-trusted" typed person. Recently, some people have a little doubt on me. This also broke my friendship. Probably because of my high prestige that changed people's perspective about me, because I was acted different out there. I don't want that all people can make fun of me if I show my soft spot. However, the rule said that we must act kindly to everyone, in everywhere, anytime; but it's quite a challenge for me to realize it. Can I make it in time before it's too late to change, to apologize to my best friend?
Believe me, trust may thrust you in the future. Don't ever played fool with the word because it will be a game over for you if you did. Regrets always come late.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Friday, February 27, 2015
A Mine of Inspiration
Honestly, I'm not used to write something personal, particularly diary. However, to me, there's no other method to reveal all things I concealed except to put it all in this note.
All of sudden, I just thinking what will happen if I have no idea to write. Basically, I got the inspiration to write based on the concealed things I experienced but I'm an introvert also. Thus, it is rare for me to have some outdoor activities. IIn addition, I'm not a talking-too-much person, even on my home, it's difficult for me to initiate conversation. Therefore, my inspiration came from the outside, despite that I'm not used to walk outside. If there's a suggestion, feel free to give your comment, I do really appreciate it.
All of sudden, I just thinking what will happen if I have no idea to write. Basically, I got the inspiration to write based on the concealed things I experienced but I'm an introvert also. Thus, it is rare for me to have some outdoor activities. IIn addition, I'm not a talking-too-much person, even on my home, it's difficult for me to initiate conversation. Therefore, my inspiration came from the outside, despite that I'm not used to walk outside. If there's a suggestion, feel free to give your comment, I do really appreciate it.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Learning to "Love" Myself
This happened yesterday though, but I "forgot" to write it because it was a tiring day at the time. Yesterday was the time to prepare all applications I need to follow proposal examination. I sat with some of my classmates and one junior. We were talking about recent competition in our department to kill the time. Until one question changed my mood, "are you guys came to cocktail party a week ago?" asked the junior. One of my classmates replied that she weren't come because of sickness and the others were attending the party. When it turns out to me, I replied "I wasn't came, I don't have any interest to crowded event". The junior, as fast as thunderstruck, said that "what a weird person, you must be an introvert".
Like being attacked by the angry birds?? Hehehe. I was extremely, absolutely, exactly surprised to hear such statement like that. It's been a long time since I heard the similar words like this. It was my friend (don't mention the name) that judge me as an introvert, and unluckily, the person said that in the middle of the class so everyone now know me as an introvert, a title that I don't want to admit that I'm an introvert at that time.
Because of this moment, I lost my faith to the person (not being lost completely) in an instant. I am a person who can be easily disbelieve people if they do something "harmful" to me. Perhaps, this is the reason why I still tend to be alone everyday.
Time to time, I was finally able to forget the moment, being my "ordinary" half-cold person. Though I still retained my soft spot, that I quite sensitive to other people, but I can't show it directly, just concealed it. This last for a long time until I found an online group in a social media that changed my old perception.
When I read several posts in that group, I was realized that there are many people outside who shares similarities like me. Soon, I joined the group, sharing with some members about my story, ask for their advice, and so on. However, this wasn't lasting long.
My "cool" demeanor think out of the box again, it is not an option to "share" your personal feeling with someone, both you know or not. It is because I like to do everything by myself, I don't want to brag people, they have much important thing to do than hear a "weirdo" speech. I guess this is one of my lacks, I totally thought bad of me, I don't love myself (Astaghfirulllah). I know that The Almighty blessed us with different specialty. Underestimating a person is the same as "mocking" The Almighty, it is a sin, you got a hell's ticket. I don't need that ticket, despite this, I wasn't able to remove such trait.
I want to know how to appreciate myself
I'm so grateful to have some specialties covered with thousands of weaknesses, all praise and perfection belongs only to Allah SWT
I should look closer, see the implied message in a white shining paper
I should train my eyes, to be easily adapted to face the light
And when the time has come
I want to love myself like my love to Allah SWT and my Prophet, Muhammad SAW.
Like being attacked by the angry birds?? Hehehe. I was extremely, absolutely, exactly surprised to hear such statement like that. It's been a long time since I heard the similar words like this. It was my friend (don't mention the name) that judge me as an introvert, and unluckily, the person said that in the middle of the class so everyone now know me as an introvert, a title that I don't want to admit that I'm an introvert at that time.
Because of this moment, I lost my faith to the person (not being lost completely) in an instant. I am a person who can be easily disbelieve people if they do something "harmful" to me. Perhaps, this is the reason why I still tend to be alone everyday.
Time to time, I was finally able to forget the moment, being my "ordinary" half-cold person. Though I still retained my soft spot, that I quite sensitive to other people, but I can't show it directly, just concealed it. This last for a long time until I found an online group in a social media that changed my old perception.
When I read several posts in that group, I was realized that there are many people outside who shares similarities like me. Soon, I joined the group, sharing with some members about my story, ask for their advice, and so on. However, this wasn't lasting long.
My "cool" demeanor think out of the box again, it is not an option to "share" your personal feeling with someone, both you know or not. It is because I like to do everything by myself, I don't want to brag people, they have much important thing to do than hear a "weirdo" speech. I guess this is one of my lacks, I totally thought bad of me, I don't love myself (Astaghfirulllah). I know that The Almighty blessed us with different specialty. Underestimating a person is the same as "mocking" The Almighty, it is a sin, you got a hell's ticket. I don't need that ticket, despite this, I wasn't able to remove such trait.
I want to know how to appreciate myself
I'm so grateful to have some specialties covered with thousands of weaknesses, all praise and perfection belongs only to Allah SWT
I should look closer, see the implied message in a white shining paper
I should train my eyes, to be easily adapted to face the light
And when the time has come
I want to love myself like my love to Allah SWT and my Prophet, Muhammad SAW.
Monday, February 23, 2015
A Weird of Me
Usually, when people meet their friend or even best friend, expressing happiness will be natural for them to show it to each other. However, this seems to be different when I meets someone who I considered as my "comrade". Whenever I met the person, while there are some friends around, I set a poker face unconsciously. I was pretending to be "common" me, ignoring the person. To be honest, deep inside my heart (bwooo), I was extremely happy and so grateful (Alhamdulillah) to see him in a good shape. It's been a long time since we spent time together, I want to do that again. However, I felt that this friendship isn't going well. I wish that there will be a time for us to meet personally, to give me a moment to say sorry, and having fun again. Even this bond isn't as tight as before, I was grateful to have a friend like you.
Awkward or Strange?
I wrote the "Today's Awkward" section just to entertain myself with my "boring" comedy. It is not the April Fool's day or whatsoever but it just happened naturally and of course, awkwardly.
Today was my first day to fulfill all applications for my future examination. It was quite tiring so I sat with some friends (including my comrade, perhaps this triggered my awkward) next to the room of head of department. We were talked about the necessity to take TOEFL exam as the requirements to graduate from our study. One of my friend was quite nervous to follow the exam because he has low confidence about his skill. All of sudden, I talked quite loudly said that perhaps cheating is one of the option to pass the exam. I explained all tricks I've done during my senior high in my exam. I talked carelessly. I forgot that this is not a good place to share my devilish tips. Fortunately, the head of department did not hear our conversation (hopefully) and if it is not, wish that they forgot who was talking about the devil's sharing today.
Today was my first day to fulfill all applications for my future examination. It was quite tiring so I sat with some friends (including my comrade, perhaps this triggered my awkward) next to the room of head of department. We were talked about the necessity to take TOEFL exam as the requirements to graduate from our study. One of my friend was quite nervous to follow the exam because he has low confidence about his skill. All of sudden, I talked quite loudly said that perhaps cheating is one of the option to pass the exam. I explained all tricks I've done during my senior high in my exam. I talked carelessly. I forgot that this is not a good place to share my devilish tips. Fortunately, the head of department did not hear our conversation (hopefully) and if it is not, wish that they forgot who was talking about the devil's sharing today.
A Step to Reveal Something
Alhamdulillah, I was able to write first "note".
Everything I got, experienced, saw, listened, felt, and I concealed the whole time will be written in this journal of life. Hopefully, I will see the light from this, insha Allah.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)